The Cost of Being Right
In both spiritual and psychological work, there is one common obstacle to growth:
The need to be right.
Inner World vs. Outer World
We all live in two realities — the inner world of thoughts, emotions, and attitudes, and the outer world of actions and relationships.
Our inner state always reveals itself outwardly, whether through words, tone, posture, or energy.
When we are unaware of what’s happening inside, we act mechanically — automatically, defensively, and often without realizing it.
Self-Observation: Waking Up to Ourselves
Real change begins with self-observation — pausing long enough to see what’s happening inside before reacting outside.
This means catching ourselves in moments of tension, defensiveness, or moral superiority and asking:
“Where am I inside right now? What am I justifying?”
This isn’t about judging ourselves. It’s about seeing — clearly and honestly — the inner movements that drive our reactions.
Self-Justification: The Subtle Form of Lying
When we feel hurt or challenged, the mind often moves quickly to self-justify:
“I’m right.”
“I’m only reacting because they were unfair.”
“If they’d just listen, we’d be fine.”
In that moment, we create an inner story that protects our self-image — even if it distorts reality.
This isn’t “wrong” in a moral sense; it’s simply unhelpful to growth.
Self-justification freezes us in place.
If we’re always right, we can never be wrong — and if we’re never wrong, we can never change.
Self-Righteousness in Relationships (RLT Perspective)
In Relational Life Therapy, this is known as the stance of the Adaptive Child — the part of us that learned early on to protect ourselves through control, blame, or superiority.
When the Adaptive Child takes over, we become reactive, self-righteous, and convinced we see things clearly.
But underneath is usually hurt, fear, or shame — emotions the Functional Adult can face, but the Adaptive Child cannot.
This self-righteous stance feels powerful in the moment — but it pushes connection away.
Each person builds an internal “negative system” of resentments and justifications.
We remember only the unpleasant, defend our own position, and lose sight of fairness, humility, and love.
The Turning Point: Conscious Awareness
Growth begins when we catch ourselves mid-justification.
We notice the tightening in the body, the rising indignation, the “Yes, but…” forming on our lips.
If we can pause there — breathe, soften, and admit that maybe we are not entirely right — something shifts.
That moment of humility opens the door to self-change.
It allows the Functional Adult to return, to take responsibility, and to act from consciousness rather than reactivity.
Essence
To “work on oneself” means to stop living on automatic — to become aware of our invisible inner movements that shape our visible actions.
Every time we catch our self-righteousness and release the need to be right, we move closer to authenticity, connection, and genuine growth.
To be always right is to remain the same.
To see oneself truthfully is to begin to change.
